想念了

The Sweet Temptations!

2009-05-01T22:42:00.002+08:00

HELLO ALL!

have just loaded up nicely my bakery shop online!

visit: http://the-sweet-temptations.blogspot.com/

for those overflowing sweetness that you crave for! =D

the sudden feel

2009-04-30T23:36:00.002+08:00

just feel like blogging back here instead of wordpress.

soo i change a blogskin.. and i realise that there are soooo many EMO people out there!

the blogskins are all so sad but i must say its really nice.. some of them. =)

my blog add says star lover. yup its true i love the star.. thou in reality i know they are not so pretty... over at wordpress its missing star.. haha looks like i can't seems to forget & let it go ya?

even my name, the pronounciation sounds like it. haha! getting rusty with blogger lo... gotta work ard it more often.. but after using wordpress, i will find posting easier over there than here... more convenient too.

the bad thing bout it is that it can't have my usual chat box, change of skin, music etc. you gotta PAY for it. BLAH!

when money is concern, its back to BASICS! do whatever i can to earn and earn! especially with this rubbish economy & the SWINE FLU!!! ohh! i almost got it man! haha had fever for few days!

LOL!

random

2008-09-09T21:00:00.003+08:00

a sudden tot of blogging here instead of at wordpress.

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*When I'm with you, the only place I wanna be is closer.*

-*-*-*-

the feeling of loss is overwhelming. this whole year haven been a good one for me

with a love one leaving me when he know's i needed him the most

and with a beloved aunty passing away all of a sudden

my mum told me today,

when she was pregnant wif me, she used to tolerate whatever that had happened and pretend nthing had happen even if it upset her.

i told her probably that's why i am like that too.

原本最了解我的人。。。却快要变成了陌生人

这种感觉让我好辛苦好心痛。。。

几次要你回来。。。但还是失败了。。。

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现在根本没人能了解我和我心情了

SHIFT~~

2008-08-05T23:52:00.001+08:00

shifted over to wordpress instead of blogger from now on~~

reason being: blogger is way toooooo slow!

http://missingstarz.wordpress.com/

开不了口让他知道我有多难熬~~ 12day

2008-08-05T16:51:00.002+08:00

这半年多要一年来，许多生边的朋友都劝我放气继续自己勇敢的走下去。。。但我做不到。。

我还是选着了等你。。等你最后的答案。。。

有人对我说是因为你还没遇到另一个能取代他在你心中的位子。。还没有人真的在感动到你。。。而你也以经习惯有他在你生旁。。。所以现在任何男孩想认识你也没有机会。。。而你自己对于他们也没有了兴趣。。。

i appreciated all kinds of advice and console that my friends gave me.. thou the decision to wait for the final answer doesnt make me happy everyday... i still cant give up without knowing wat will happen in the near future.

但这等待会反让我对你死了心吗？好怕最后的结果不会是想像中的那么完美。。

开不了口让他知道我有多难熬。。。他现在对我有多重要。。

失去幸福的人永远也找不回属于自己的幸福了吗？

2008-08-05T01:20:00.003+08:00

i lost interest in everything..how is it that certain people can just forget everything that have happen before? even thou is memories nw..

i dunno lar.. destiny..fate..hopes and dreams.. are they just illusion? ur promises.. is it all gone? wat shld i do? u told me to carry on wat i wanna do. but yet why is it i felt something else when u sae tt? wat shld i do? 我该怎么办？ i noe that i cant.. move on when i felt something else instead... 好乱好乱。。。失去幸福的人永远也找不回属于自己的幸福了吗?

take good care. i miss you.

11th day

2008-08-04T12:40:00.002+08:00

preparing to go out for my test later. hopefully i pass. if not i can really declare i'm stupid STUPID.. haha

i am trying to save lotsa money now. alot alot. hopefully my piggy can grow fat faster..i watch red cliff wif my dad yesterday. was so funny all along. bcuz every five mins i would ask my dad about the history. lol. cuz he actually know more than me! haha

yesterday channel u was showing the initial d again and out of boredom i watch it again lorr.. haha.. jay chou is so handsome can!!! haha

10th day

2008-08-03T16:50:00.002+08:00

this the first weekend that i spent it peacefully. to others it might be dead boring.. bcuz for my saturday i actually slept till late afternoon with no disturbance no bad dreams. it was a sleep i have been longing for ever since then.. after washing up i just did some of my stuff which i thrown one side previously like my stitching? haha.. while watching those DVDs that my brother have brought back for me. well... nobody is at home all the while.. so its just me.. i watch the tv till the wee hours.. actually did consider going out for a drink at ard 11plus since my friend called.. but i really didnt wanna upset my peaceful routine by going out so i just rejected them. i didn't know that there's cartoon at 2am in the morning! haha so i just sat there watching and laughing to myself.. sounds like i'm mad.. lol but its been so long since i just stay home with no other thoughts. lol... there's so many nicee show during the wee hours.. looks like i can give this lappy of mine a rest since i found something else to do.. hehe.. if not i will usually be surfing the net.. getting ideas.. doing my research.. talking about research, i tink this time i'm in even more trouble. lol... well but see how it goes..

isnt it strange that.. it takes 2 person to decide to get into a relationship but only need one person to end the relationship? usually tt's the case right? seldom did i hear that 2 person break up willingly.. without one party feeling more hurt than the other. looking at my friend trying to get back to daily life after all the heartche trying to stand up.. hah. i din even bother anymore now. previously i did tot of trying to get myself back and everything thinking that everything's gonna be alright... now.. i just feel that.. since i cant get myself back anymore.. why not just live one day as it pass and see how it goes again.. i find that it is easier to live den to try and let go of everything when i know its impossible to let go of something that i find is worth holding on... make sense? well it depends on how you think.. well of cuz there are people out there whom i know can get over such things easily within a few days and they are moving on having another relationship..(maybe it applies to him as well.. i dunno.. becuz he seems to live a happier life now den b4... like he've already moved on while i'm still here at this stage.) maybe i'm also wrong because he's someone who doesnt express his feelings at all and totally dun show it to anyone at all.. so i guess unless he said it will alway remain as a mystery to me...

i guess certain things i did to him have really hurt him alot.. that in some ways, he really have given up on us. thinking about those things i did.. it will alway be my regrets.. that's y i alway say now, treasure the person that you love do not wait till you have lost him than regret. it's gonna be a lifetime regret by then.

hugo, i hope your doing well there.. do take care of yourselves as you have said you will. i trust you on that.

9th day

2008-08-02T02:04:00.002+08:00

默默的等待。。。dis phrase dun just describe my feelings. i believe it also represent many others. you noe who you are.

today.. i finally acknowledge that surroundings, people that we mix with everyday, working place, tings that we do everyday, places that we go to everyday changes a person.

i just dun understand y do some people have to take friends for granted.. crying to them only when they need them. havent dis people learnt their lesson to cherish and treasure people around them and to not take them for granted? i mean.. when u lost someone u love so dearly once, i believe you should have learnt that lesson. but instead you turn into someone even more ridiculous. like as if the whole world owes u something... you gotta get it in your head that you lost someone u love is because u did not treasure them when you still have them heart and soul and everything. you took them for granted that's why u lose them. not because the world owes u. get it ger?

i pray that your safe... thou i guess its tough.

photos!

2008-08-01T02:04:00.005+08:00

reflections~~
at intercontinental~~acting cute
ermm.. wanna take her face but cant be found. hee
babe of the year. HAHA

at the studio~~ lalala
hee~~ having fun with the camera
well... ermmm haha.. dunno which photographer take de lorr.. LOL!
heh! pretty anot?! thou got very heavy eyebags i din edit. ignore that! haha
we are happy girls! haha

photos taken during my previous 2 days outing with cheryl. LOL! ehh... we are suppose to look chio in the photos larr.. but for some reasons.. it turn out like ermmm.. HAHA. but we enjoy ourselves thou. [random speeches] LOL!

8th Day~~

2008-08-01T01:28:00.003+08:00

i'm now really praying hard that he's safe.

my eyesight is getting worse. no matter how tire i am i noe i gotta be strong..

but i seen something and realize something...

表面看起来坚强的人往往在内心是最不坚强的人。。。

there's someone out there that i noe.. thou strong wen u see her.. but in fact you can feel her loneliness and fear...

看见周围的人都断了感情线。。。felt sad for them.. afterall.. it's been so long.. some due to distant.. some due to fading feelings... some... just have no reasons.. and some due to third party.. i've seen and heard so much.. i dunno if i shld feel lucky..

i guess cheryl is right that i gotta stop giving myself so much pressure that i am unable to breath anymore. but that's the only way. i appreciated that she wans to take the effort to accompany me do certain activities that i enjoy to relax myself.

gotta let it go.. but i noe i will never do so wholeheartedly.

final verdict... is impossible that i let go. -_-"

7th day

2008-07-31T00:04:00.004+08:00

cant do it. fail again. my mind's not there. my heart is not with me. how am i suppose to do well?

hope tmr will be better. kinda tire at the tot of it. but gotta go thru it. i am waiting.

i noe why i wanna be at home by 10. is bcus i felt insecure unsafe. like something bad is gonna happen again. tis time round i wanna protect myself. i just felt it. like something bad is really gonna happen if i were to hang out late. hopefully this feeling will pass soon.

i pray that your safe.

6th day

2008-07-30T13:20:00.003+08:00

at least she has got her direction. but i dun haf.

i'm still searching.. i'm still wasting time.. tis few days the atmosphere at home wasnt good. with my mum on the verge of hitting us and her getting on my nerve. i just stay out of her way. it all boils down to money.

ytd nite tony me and daddy had a chat over dis matter. and daddy ask us to understand her. i mean its not tt we dun. but did she treat us better? NO! the only person she listens to is wilson. who is at thailand at the moment. so well.. wat can i do. practically nothing. i'm going out for interview yet she sae u like to stay out so late is your problem. she did not even ask clearly b4 saying that. and she sae i raise my voice. fine i raise my voice so wat. i just hate it wen others accuse me. and i usually dun bother to answer back wen i know that person accuses me. so i kept quiet and let her nag all she wans finish my milo and i am now back inmy room. i learn my lesson. nv to take money from her even though daddy assure me that he will support me thru watever i need. so nice of him however thanks but no thanks. i dun wanna be target by mummy again.

i pray that you are safe.

5th day

2008-07-29T22:14:00.005+08:00

dunno wat's wrong with her but i wun bother becuz i cant save myself at the moment.

just came home from all the walking wif cheryl. haha.. so funny. we wore the same today. LOL! was so surprise wen we saw each other that we laugh non stop. LOL!

my mum commented that i'm wearing more daringly. in the sense that.. well, i can wear a real short skirt... doesnt really cover tings, and a spaget top with a bright inside which everthing can be seen if i bent. more like i dun care anymore? or back to how i dress? i oso dunno lar.. and the only person who can tahan my dressing is cheryl becuz she oso dress like tt.

we had a talk today. and i guess its bcuz dis is how we are and choose to be.. and tt's how we behave that lead us to trouble. okay... dressing wise.. i prefer jeans den skirt of cuz.. but well the top.. is just normal i guess. but all guys are the same lar.. small or big the eyes will automatically shift to there. haizz.. tire lar..

just soo i dunno lar...
well din go out to enjoy the nite anymore... cuz i suddenly dun wan.. but chilling out.. lotsa time.. at tat place.. haha.. cuz i noe the boss and the bartender are all so handsome. LOL! so that's the only place. and wat surprise me is that i totally dun wanna drink the only ting i ordered was like fruit juices? LOL!!! i guess in the end i did change to who he wans me to be.. i still remember times wen we had quarrel over tis matter of me hanging out owayz drinking h.l and oso clubbing late. if i had understood wat he had said earlier tings might be different.

right now i dunno why.. but i just wanna be in my room by 10pm. and slack on my bed.. reading a book tinking of him.. and falling asleep. if i'm still outside after 10.. i will feel uneasy and i dunno why.. i've not felt dis way before. i guess its becuz i felt so uneasy nw..due to some reasons...i guess.

hope ur fine...

4th day

2008-07-28T23:17:00.005+08:00

i'm lying on my bed now... just had a quarrel with my mum. not exactly a quarrel more like i just dun like some of the tings she said. i hate taking money from daddy. one moment daddy sae gif me 100. the nx she will sae u take so much for wat. i mean i din ask for that much... daddy was the one who sae ask mummy pass u 100. and i said was orh. okay.. I DIN EVEN SPECIFY HOW MUCH I WAN! even if u gif me 1 buck i oso like tt! why the fuck wanna sae is i ask for it de?! the problem wif my mum is that she owayz tinks i only noe hw to spend. she din even tink bout wen i pass her money every mth. everytime oso quarrel about money wif me. i noe i'm old enuf to work to earn myself and shouldnt take any more damn money from u guys! but is daddy wanna gif me de rite! if he gives didi u jiu sae nthing! gif me everytime oso must QUARREL! wtf! cant u just gif me some peace?! i'm already vexed enuf!! i found so many jobs where the employer wanna hire me end up u dis cannot that cannot!! where the hell u wan me work den?! WHY NOT I JUST SIT AT HOME AND ROT?! OR I DUN GO HOME AT ALL?! WHICH DO U PREFER?! I GUESS U PREFER THE LATTER RITE! SO TT U DUN GET TO SEE ME AT ALL!!!!

stop contradicting. i dun work u nag. i work u nag. i stay at home u nag. i stay out u nag. i help u with chores u nag. i dun help u oso nag. WTF U WAN FRM ME?! DO U FREAKING KNOW I AM NOW TEARING WHILE TYPING THIS DAMN POST ANOT?!!!

I freaking tell u my DEAREST MUM! my heart is getting more sensitive! anything u say affects my mood easily now! u noe is impossible i will leave u guys alone when ur old. so stop saying next time wanna get money from me is difficult! when have i not given wen i gt the ability! WHEN HAVE I NOT?!!

how i wish you are here now.. 1 year is finally almost over... by the time you finish serving ns, will be 3 years gone...

4th day~~

2008-07-28T22:31:00.004+08:00

seriously i feel that i should just stay at home and rot from now on. i dun have the mood for anything at all! i'm so stressed out by i dunno wat shit! 我什么都不想要！！！但想要的却得不到！！

i hope your safe.

Regrets

2008-07-27T23:43:00.004+08:00

i realize i owayz sae to him.. i will be there wen u need me. just a call and i will be there... but suddenly... i realise even though i owayz sae tt but i din do it at all.. the last time he ask me for help.. for a shoulder... i rejected him. that was the last time he mention to me he really need a hug from me.. needed my comfort... that was the last and i rejected him... from then on, wen ever he is feeling down thou i noe and can see/sense but never once did he mention it to me anymore. i'm so sorry for it.

对不起。。。

2008-07-27T22:50:00.002+08:00

tire physically? probably...

tire mentally? most probably...

living here so alone... most definitely.

我最孤单的世界。。。装满了回忆。。。

我忘了怎么在接受别人。。所以选着了不接受。。。
总觉得他们很反感。。。看到他们的sms/call/msn...都会没理由的生气觉得他们好大男人主意。。

they turn me off. dun understand how come they will tink all the girls who they wanna jio will sure fall for them...they are just so childish. too bad... i just dun like gg out with dem or even bother to waste time replying or chatting with dem..

they are just

[I]-[D]-[I]-[O]-[T]-[S]

i am praying for you... hope your fine.

2008-07-27T15:15:00.001+08:00

the third day...

hope he's fine...

i'm praying for him to be safe...

2008-07-26T23:01:00.002+08:00

been sick the whole day... don't remember what i've eaten to give me diarrhoea again..

been searching for my inspirations...

突然觉得好心痛。。。

don't know what did the future have for me...

愿望会成真吗？

my mum ask me a question today..: 你是不是有什么心事？

i ask why did she suddenly ask that question.

her answer: 你是我女儿。。。每天看这你。。虽然你每天都喜喜哈哈的说个不停。。但很明显你变的好憔悴。。。好像是在呈强。。。

i told her: 咪。。没有啦。。。只是有点担心zhixing...

her reply: 你为他担心他懂吗？虽然说是你自己直前有点不对。。。但必经你这几个月的努力连我都看了心疼。。。他还是对你这么冷淡。。。值得吗？

my answer: 你有没有过那种感觉，处了他。。对别人都不可能在喜欢了？好像他就是明中主定的那个人？

my mum look at me with tearful eyes today... i was so grateful that she understood my feelings. that she did not force me to give up like what people normally will ask me to do... i guess its because she understood well how i felt..

有时后，月老牵了红线，像摆脱都摆不掉。。。

i pray that you are safe and sound.

"Quotes"

2008-07-26T16:29:00.001+08:00

These are only memories. They remind me I have a past, no matter how painful the mempry is. Without past, present and future have no meaning.

* ____________________________________________________ *
The problems with dreams, is that they sometimes come true. But they can never be perfect as we made them to be. Then comes the heartbreak. But, we need dreams to help us live. That is the purpose of our imagination and dreams - to help us live, to project amd follow the image. Sometimes the image gives way to reality and we walk into dreams come true. Other times, we hit projection screens. But remember, the dream is not an end in itself. And once the dream is found, it is at the same time lost and we have to create new dreams to live for.

Just a Penny worth of thots

2008-07-26T09:13:00.004+08:00

How come it seems that everyone seems to put making money their piority now?

Headache~~

i think by the time the doctors open up and have a look at my gastric, they will find that its all rotten. haha.. sound disgusting.. LOL..

second day... i pray hard to keep him safe.

The Semi-Finale

2008-07-26T01:21:00.002+08:00

Finally, i've got to face the reality.

it's the semi-finale till 4 years later

when this love story will come to an ending that is unknown to me but known to him

i pray that you are safe and sound..

Recap for today

2008-07-26T00:11:00.003+08:00

Chatted with Annie last nite for very long... was very encouraged by her... she's a very strong girl and i admire her for that. Just came back from yoga with Yilin... went for Hot Yoga today.. was so breathless while doing it due to the high temperature in the room.. i've got breathing difficulties.. but it was really a good workout.. perspire all the way.. i will go yoga more often now... bcuz that is the only time when my heart can calm down and tink of nothing except to concentrate on my workout... i need that peace of mind.. if not... i don't know what will become of me.. i've skipped school for 2 weeks now.. i'm just too tire mentally and physically to attend. i know these are not excuses for me to skip school.. but i just can't do it.. other den gg for yoga, i stayed at home the whole day.. i just dun feel like going out to face people... Went to have dinner with yilin and annie just now at cineleisure.. took some pictures randomly.. haha.. shall upload it another time.. i'm too tire now..
Alrite, here's the pics.. dun tink is clear...

it's totally not clear cuz annie's hand is shaking. HAHA

see.. so nice that i open my mouth so big. WHAHAHA
isn't she pretty?

The Irony

2008-07-25T12:30:00.002+08:00

Seriously... i never really grasp what he's thinking after all this time... have gone thru worse time.. have finally stood up (or have i really stand up again).. know that the answer.. will only be reveal four years later as emphasize by him...right now... i know how i can go on living even if i felt likewise... i have a strong desire to prove that i can do it that i will succeed by the time he sees me again... i wan him to see a different person... someone that its his loss that he chose to ask me wait for 4years to hurt me initially is now someone who totally dun need him... in short be back to who i am.. being cold and heartless towards feeling showered on me..

there's one good example now. that bastard is name jackie.. he's gg to be tinking mths dwn de road as to why the hell did he wanna noe me.. BLAH!

my prayers

2008-07-24T21:05:00.002+08:00

been thinking alot lately, and somehow i wonder..wondering what's love all about...

Relationship,

I believe every couples will face the same situation at certain stages of their courtship.

No matter how hard the men try to do, women are always not contented with it and claimed that the men are lack of romance, chemistry and are always so monotonous.

Slowly, this is what will happened,

Woman decided to leave him.

"We are the one and fated for each other if tonight rain", the Man said.

Later tonight, water droplets fell softly thereby forming an uneven rhythm on her window. The Woman was woken up by the rhythm and she was surprised when she actually saw the gentle reflection on her smooth and tender face of the bright moonlight.

She climbed the stairs slowly to the rooftop, saw the Man filled with sweat, was pouring down water slowly.Woman just gave him a big hug from behind and said "I love you."

Relationship, isnt that beautiful? Relationship, let the hopeless and lonely people find happiness just like meeting oasis in the desert. still, i treat it as a bonus now.and realised.. deep down, the Woman still have a very special place in my heart. God, make full use of her since you had already took her away.

"the man still have a very special place in my heart. God, take care and treasure him since you had took him away from me."

I pray hard that you are safe and sound all the time. I will owayz make sure your properly taken care of morally. I pray hard that you will be taken care of when your there. Though i can't be there personally, remember just one call from you and i'll be there the next moment. i will owayz pray for you to keep you safe. Please take care alright?

Random Pictures

2008-07-24T00:46:00.006+08:00

this is taken @ lau pat sat

see..my handsome boi serving us drinks. haha

isn't he good looking? but i guess he's tire

hehe.. my bodyguards.. they are my precious =)

look hw happy dey are.. brought them to bosses. it's wilson bday.

at the esplanade

toilet?? haha
oOo.. haha
elynn's bday
that's daddy & me.. we look alike rite.. haha

woahh.. haha memories man.. at the zoo
at wild oats
at wild oats
something gone wrong nwadays

well.. i'm bored and just feel like posting some random pictures.. i tink some have been posted before. haha.. but who cares ya.. LOL.. haha but i tink my "some" is reali "some" ya.. LOL!

updates

2008-07-24T00:18:00.002+08:00

haven been blogging for a long time i tink? considerably long for dis year i guess.. well, life been very boring.. looking at some idiots trying to get happy with the fake news that i got dump. HAHA!! tinking of it again... i'm nw laughing hard.. LOL i cant imagine a person without using her brains to check out the situation before she toks. LOL!!! and worse still.. i dunno wat she happy about wen watever she sae isnt de truth that i dun even bother to help her verify.. isnt tt pathetic? LOL!!! nvm lar.. let her live in her fantasy world. lol i will be nice and not wake her frm that dreams. lol..

met up with cheryl the other nite with de whole wr grp. LOL! had so much laugh that i need tissues for my tears. LOL.. =) dey truely cheer me up.. haven seen cheryl for so long.. miss her so much.. haha.. had a real hug and heart to heart tok while de guys play away with the bride groom to be.. haha.. kevin! congrats! lol..

2008-07-05T16:16:00.001+08:00

fucking life.

2008-07-05T14:52:00.001+08:00

my dear gal nx time ask qns urself.

2008-07-05T00:15:00.002+08:00

正在寻找我的方向。。。

had a chat with cheryl just now.. and i realize.. its been so long since the carefree life are over. friendship for no reason turn sour. yet now we are all longing to be together again. but yet bcuz of a person it is all so awkward for us to meet up now. the trust that we have built up overtime is lost. now everyone is suspicious of one another. but yet we are trying to cover it and gain back that trust. so many buts and so many yets. end of the day. no one had the courage to break the silence anymore.

好累。。好累。。谁是真谁是假。。好难分辩。。。

2008-07-03T23:33:00.002+08:00

wow.. just had a long chat wif raymond kor. din noe so much have happen over dis few years. so much so that its hard for me to comprehend. i'm overloaded. too li hai le. >.<

2008-07-03T18:13:00.002+08:00

it seems... i've really lost it. i'm so absorbed in my own thots... i can't communicate well with people. even though i noe i've lots to say.. so stupidly i ended up just tokin a bit of rubbish. haiz...

i'm tinking hard now. everyone that i've know. everyone. who are dey. how are dey like. are they geninuely there as a fren? they ask me out is just as casual as a fren or do they have intentions.

previously.. i just dun bother bout all the above. but... ever since wat i've heard and seen. it makes it so scary. so scary not to tink before i act or reply.

seriously what's the problem? i dun tink about all this.. i got taken advantage of.. if i tink.. i am so bothered by it.

just now.. tonton met up wif me for lunch.. end up i noe i'm being a very bad companion bcuz i was so absorb in all my thots that i kinda dao him. -_-" haiz. but looking at him.. i just cant understand why he can be so free of thots? or is it he chose not to think bout his problem?

rite nw de me.. i only concentrate on earning money.. work to stop myself frm all this wondering.

i think i'm going mad lar. wth. y did i let someone whom i dun even noe for a mth to tok all dis shit to me? but i realize even if he din tell me all dis thing... i am just an empty shell now.

2008-07-02T23:01:00.002+08:00

i hope i can pick myself up within this 2 years. i felt so vulnerable now. i lost the ability to judge.. like who's good or who's bad... i can't read from the surface anymore.. and furthermore... i'm in somewhere so new to me... i really dunno wat's real and wat's not... it makes me wanna hide in the backgrd. but i understand that... i gotta learn to pick up my confidence level sooner or later and by hook or by crook. i wanna show him i have the ability. i dun wan to fail him or myself any longer. growing up is so hard. especially when morale have been given a big blow. so many cross junctions. so many tings to learn and decide.

我好想好想让你看见我这两年会有的改变。。。看见我的努力和成功。。。好想证明给自己看

i was told repeatedly by someone that our destiny is pre-destined. but i owayz believe if i try hard enuf.. i will owayz be able to change it.. cuz 命运使终掌握在自己的手里。。。

The Reason

2008-07-02T01:12:00.004+08:00

我的自信。。。
因为怕失去你早就不见了。。。
但。。。你却告诉我。。。就是这个原因让我失去了你。。。
when i know that i might be a burden to you due to my illness and strong character which owayz make u mad at me... i lost all the self confident of knowing i'm good enough for you in your eyes and heart. i felt useless...knowing i'm a burden... 每个成功的男人背后都有个出的了天堂进的了厨房的女人。。。when i noe i can't be tat... i just crumble...

过了那么久。。。原来这就是分手的原因。。。

我。。。输给了自己的自信。。。

it's painful

2008-06-30T00:46:00.002+08:00

wtf! it's been so long since i got canned. so pain lar. sian.. nvm... few days cannot wear short pants liao. 5 strokes frm my dad. still cannot cry. if cry even more stroke. thou my dad dotes on me de most but he's oso de strictest wif me. i seldom get canned by him bcuz i scare of him so i will guai guai. haha. cuz wen he canned, it sure will leave the mark dere for at least a few days. i remember the last time he canned me, it even tear my skin thou nt tt badly but still it bleeds lar... lucky tt was on my palm and it doesnt leave me any scar nw..actually he din use all his strength le. but still he can have tt kinda impact on us. but jiu heck care lar. sian.. nw den can cry. wth.. pain like hell. cannot sit properly. haiz.. nvm.. but i tink in future more to come. so jiu bear wif it lo...

History~~

2008-06-27T21:55:00.002+08:00

dreams are back for no reason. nightmares everynight. i'm so tire.
i'm speculating.. i'm gambling wif my life and time.. so tire.. how i wish time could just stop for a moment. tings to stop operating and moving for a minute so i can breath slowly grow up slower clear my mind for a moment.

math is killing me. i'm not good wif figures. seriously in fact i've got phobia of it now. i just cant handle big numbers and long formula. 我好怕。。。

2008-06-24T20:18:00.002+08:00

another r/s that doesnt work out. wat else can be said and expected? how nice wil it be if things stay the way wen it first started. if every ending have to be like tt. den y have a beginning in the first place? both parties are hurt. both did not open up their heart. both using work to numb that feeling of pain.

2008-06-24T19:06:00.002+08:00

however my family is giving me problems again. my mum juz keep scolding and nagging non stop wenever she see me. wat ever i do i seriously dunno wat's wrong wif it. i dun go out stay home oso kena nag. i stay out oso kena nag. wtf does she wants i dunno. i told her i will settle de stuff later. den end up being scolded sae i gif her attitude and tt wen i'm out wif her. others also can see i gif her tt damn attitude wen she nag me. come on lar. wtf. i nv sae anything wen u scolded me doesnt mean i gif u attitude and i nt happy alrite. i juz let it become music one ear in one ear out so tt i wun get angry wif u. wat's de pt i respond wen u nag me 24 hrs a day?! so li hai nag dun come ask me for money lorr. hw i spend my money also wanna control. fine i am jobless den dun come get money frm me. wtf get frm me?! dun get ma. every mth take frm daddy not enuf ur problem lorr. tell me for wat?! those 2 brothers naughty jiu come sae is me. aunty teach dem nt teach me wen it has gt nothing to do wif me!! i cant forever take up the blame for them rite. they will nv learn frm their mistake!! i love my brothers doesnt mean i will protect dem like tt. if u reali tink this is call gifing u attitude. den wen u reali force me to show u everything tt i can do wen i cant tolerate anymore. dun cry and sae raise me up until now den like tt treat u! leave tt to the tv serial drama NT IN MY DAMN HOUSE! GET IT?!!!! no wonder i slp my days away wen i'm at hm. and stay out the whole nite if i go out. this hse have transform frm a HOME TO A HOTEL to me over the years.

2008-06-24T18:38:00.002+08:00

it's been days since i blog. well.. have been busy with my reports.. lol meeting up with my classmates and lecturer all days... staying up rushing out the reports without slping.. *shake head* now i look like a panda =S haha... finally the ordeal is over yesterday morning when i handed it in. LOL.. i aces my report! haha. at least the sleepless nites are worth it. LOL!

my classmates have been very great company though. haha.. even though i'm alway being tease by them.. BOO! haha.. ever since that day i happen to show them peepee fashion... i've got a new name. frm den on, u only hear them calling me boss or 老板娘. -_-" (sound so old rite) haiz.. all of them can be my father thou. haha.. and being the youngest they alway let me call the shot when we are out having drinks or meals. so no more vodka! yeah! HAHAHAHA

i slept half the day today. but tt damn fone keep ringing when i dun wan it to ring. dunno wat's the problem. gt so angry with the damn fone that i tink i throw it under my pillows after that stack up all my blankets and soft toys on it. whahaha so tt i cant hear it ring at all! LOL. the other nite. my dad had left his fone in my rm to charge but seeing tt its still full batt, i juz leave it on my desk. at about 1-2am, the damn fone was ringing madly away lar.. i jerk up frm my slp and bcuz too blur i ended up throwing the fone under pillow again. hahaha. cuz i dunno wat to do wif it. LOL. the other half of today i am clearing up my room.. so much work sia.. clearing away all the papers and books on the floor.. etc etc.. its juz my bad habit.. everytime i study the whole place juz look like its been hit by the tornado. -_-" is sooo damn messy lar.. aiyo. but if its neat i ended up dunno where to find my stuff. haizzz... gotta change this habit of mine~~ my shoulder pain is acting up again. wth.. shouldnt have taken it lightly wen i first injure it. now its giving me problem all the time. and looks like it have affected the spine too.. wonder hw in the world it is connected sia.

been hanging out wif the olden days people meaning my secondary sch fren.. make me miss the old times so much. haha. mmm.. in my life... over the weeks. i have come to a decision... initially i do not noe if i should do it tt way.. but nw i've decided. and i will face it. being strong is something i learnt frm my classmates too. they are funny people. but i can learn frm them alot. the way they look at tings are so indepth.. i stil gt a long way to go.

2008-06-18T00:04:00.002+08:00

How heart wrenching can it get when a couple go thru their whole journey without realizing there's still love between them due to a misunderstanding? To hurt the partner unintentionally and to hurt the partner intentionally due to a misunderstanding. which pain is more painful?

讯息

2008-06-17T00:08:00.003+08:00

当你发现你已经深深的爱上一个人。。。即使摆脱了分手的阴影。。度过了自以为最痛苦又难过的日子。。。当他又再次出现在你眼前。。。你的心还是会不知不觉的痛起来。。然后回家的路已被眼泪模糊。。。脑海里就只有曾经发生过的种种事情。。。到家了。。面对镜子看着自己就只能对自己说：。。。“过去了就让它过。。。心在怎么痛怎么爱他。。。也只能当做不是一回事。。 ”玩完了就只能是Game Over.

开了电脑。。。又看见他在msn留下的message:

"It's been a long time since we met up. How are you? It was nice running into you just now. You look... more quiet than the last time. Is everything okay?"

学会了沉默是金。。。说太多决局也是如此。。。

最后泪还是流但狠下心什么也不说就把电脑关了。。。

虽然对别人而言这个举动并没什么。。。但对一个知道该放手但心中还是有爱的女孩来说。。还是地鼓起勇气才做得到。。。

2008-06-15T23:57:00.003+08:00

juz finish my mj session wif my own family. -_-" cuz we got nthing better else to do and my dad is so nice to serve me drinks while i play..whahaha first time nia... HAHA.. i reach hm in the evening. had a great time out dere. hehe. enjoy myself. LOL

so damn tire now. and my gastric is acting up again. wtf! is damn irritating de lorr. zzz.

dunno y but i juz feel so tire all the time thou i slp early. but den mmm.. i tink is bcuz even if i slp i dun slp well except tt day at yilin hse. haha. so tireeeee. haha but den but den i dun wanna spend the whole day slping so i keep find something to do. (usually swimming or jogging) LOL

mmm.. i hope my wallet grow fatter everyday. =D heee

ohh i love the cooling breeze of the nite. i tink i am juz so a loner lar. haha i can choose to sit at somewhere tt i can see de starz or sometimes even no starz juz to enjoy the breeze. and the ting is i will fall asleep after sometime..(oh yida ask me to do something more meaningful tt day like gg east coast see the starz and sunrise i tink) LOL.. so damn funny. tt is considered meaningful to him hahahha... last nite i skip the movie session wif dem cuz i'm reali too tire and wasn't feeling well. i dunno y. and is like its so sudden de. and i slept damn early last nite. by 11pm i'm alr slping. can u believe it? i was surprise too but den ju heck care. cuz the moment i close my eyes i'm in lala land le.. -_-"

2008-06-14T11:24:00.002+08:00

woahh!!! being lock out isn't a bad ting after all. its been such a LONG LONG time since i sleep without a dream meaning DREAMLESS~~ whahahahaha

i slept all the way till my fren woke me up. omg! hahaha so paiseh. LOL but ya its been so long.. its reali nice. mayb a change of environment. to a place where all the bad memories din surround me i sleep better. =D

thanks to my mummy for locking the door though.. haha but den i oso dun wan to be lock out lar. hahaha... imagine i'm working late the next time in the hotel.. whahaha and i'm being locked out of my hse. wth.. damn tire de lorr. ok i'm thinking too far. LOL

but well everybody!!! GOOD MORNING!!!

2008-06-14T03:04:00.003+08:00

freaking god. wtf! i'm now blogging at yilin house using her lappy.. wtf!!

first time i'm being locked out of the damn house. wtf! nice tony who usually open my door is at camp. wilson at shanghai. mummy having fever. daddy is die oso wun open door for me even if i call. so is useless. wtf! FIRST TIME kena LOCKED OUT!!! sian!! -_-" ok i'm done with complaining. but stil wat the hell.. never mind i will remember to SPOIL the damn lock before i go out the next time!!! wtf!!! KNN!

2008-06-13T00:38:00.002+08:00

ok i noe i'm slow in catching the movies. but busy lar. haha. so tmr i intend to watch sex and the city, kungfu panda etc etc. hahaha but i tink i will fall asleep inside. lol too tire le. nowadays once my finger stop typing for a moment i can juz doze off. OH YA i oso wanna go ktv. hahaha

i'm living happily now. cuz i'm just living one day as one day pass. did i mention that the guy i met dis morning is CUTE? hahahaha i tink i did mention. LOL cuz i will nv forget such tings. LOL

2008-06-12T19:24:00.002+08:00

recently i have notice a change in my eating habits. last time i eat bcuz i'm hungry and bcuz i enjoy eating fine food. but now i eat for the sake of eating bcuz i'm nv hungry. i can dun eat the whole day. at most that little bit of hunger which will be quickly be replace by bloatedness~~

guess its got something to do with it ba. i noe is not a healthy eating style but still it is the way now. to me food are juz food now. i tink i only ate one meal a day recently. and it keeps me full foe the whole day. well feeling bloated dizzy and nausea and vomiting and pains are things i gotta get used to now. cuz it seems like there's no cure except medicine to control it? well i forgot wat the doc sae le. but somewhere along that line. just gotta get used to it.

it's a bit inconvenient thou. cuz mummy will owayz sae eat some lar.. i alr cook ur share thou i alr told her i'm damn full. -_-" den with daddy even worse. u better make sure u eat. if not u dun get to go out at all. okay~~ he's saying that bcuz he's afraid i will get gastric pain again but my dear parent doesnt noe wat's gg on. HAHA bcuz i happily went to the doc myself. LOL and din tell dem. LOL. and dey respected me alot so dey dun go thru my stuff or my bags so dey will nv see anything frm the clinic or hospital. WHAHAHHA. i noe i'm bad. haha but for wat let dem noe later get nag and dey worry. haiz.

well i learnt how not to care bout ppl's feeling and stuff dis week. so i kind off offended lotsa ppl with my OWN POINT OF VIEWS. lol. hahaha..no lar. as in.. mmm.. i wun bother bout wat dey sae lorr. it's their stuff and i dun really wanna listen and get involve. so i kind of give very casual remarks. which i noe totally dun help and sometimes piss dem off. actually i oso dunno wat i'm saying to dem bcuz i din put my heart into it. i can only say.. people deal ur own problem urself. bcuz in the end the one making the final decision to the problem is you not me. too many advice wil only blur you and leave you feeling lost. i've been off contact wif lotsa ppl as well dis week. those that i owayz contact suddenly i'm not contacting dem those tat i meet up once in a blue moon i meet up and msn-ed dem sooo often in one wk.

this wk is reali a hectic one for me. sch is busy. chill out like i've mentioned on previous post is reali a "chill" one. LOL up till now still din touch it at all. HAHA. been busy with other stuff as well but i wun touch on that. =)

tmr is another day. wonder wat it has install for me. =D

2008-06-12T18:55:00.003+08:00

i'm just so tire. it's been so long since i need to rush assignments and projects and burn the midnight oil. i practically fell asleep while doing it halfway. i'm mean imagine i was typing halfway and i stop for less den 2mins to tink wat's de nx line and i fell asleep. zzz! went down to shangri-la this morning. i din screw it up. so nw i'm waiting to see if the director wants me.. haha. sounds like wat? lol. well and de moment i'm dere in less den 5mins i made 3 new frenz. HAHAHA. and one of the guy look cute thou.LOL.. but even if i got in. its damn sian. juz the working attire. coporate suits for the whole wk!!! and add on it's alternate saturdays off.. which oso means i am gg to play less. but all this is unless i got in lar.. and my lecturer is sO damn certain i would get the job so we will see. cuz i'm not confident bout tt thou. really can't imagine myself wearing those black and white coporate suit. i tink if reali tt's de case i will love my sundays frm now on. maybe i will even add in flowery clothes to make up for the dull week that i'm having. LOL

and i was told the whole sales team has got only 3 ppl!! so meaning we will be working like bulls and wats' not if i'm in dere. the people are friendly thou. (at that pt of time). such a big organization and they are cutting cost like hell here. zzz! -_-" it sound sooo scary to me at one point bcuz the sales manager told me she had started off as a receptionist 10YEARS AGO!!! and another colleague haf been dere for like 36DONKEY YEARS!!! OMG!!! they sound so damn old man. lol maybe i will become like dem somedays.

well.. now gonna wait and see lorr. cross my fingers. =X

2008-06-11T22:58:00.002+08:00

i slept ard 3plus last nite cuz doing my report. wake up at 11plus i tink.. cant remember who woke me up. tink is my mum cuz she's having fever but needs to go out so gotta go wif her. after tt came hm do part of my report again den wen out to have some dinner with the gals. now back home terrible news i gotta hand in by nx wed. dun even noe if i can rush it out. bcuz everytime i re-read my report i keep on wanna change and add tings to it.and where the hell can i get 5 references sia..

well ignore all the previous post. haha those are juz some of my thoughts. actually i've gt nthin much to update cuz i've been rushing reports. the inability to comprehend everything at once is killing me. usually i'm able to understand it after a few short moments. but dis time. i cant. last nite almost throw my damn lappy on the floor. =S anw tt's de fastest and sure way to spoil it.

ok.. i gotta go back to my report again. blog later.

2008-06-11T03:28:00.002+08:00

looks like me vomiting blood is something sooner or later. now den i realize it had turn so bad.. thanks doc for informing me tt i will vomit blood sooner or later ar..-_-" since nw i noe wat is happening. ok time to R.I.P and continue on with my life while learning to cope with such problems.

2008-06-11T01:38:00.002+08:00

whahaha i juz cant help it but felt soo damn proud of myself. LOL. i din touch any alcohol up till now worr!! hahahaha and i noe tmr i sure oso wun touch it. LOL so li hai. hahahaha mm nv touch as in i did go out but jiu drink my craneberry juice lor hahaha.

mmm. i've been rather heartless lately i noe. a heartless bitch i noe. LOL. well but nvm. mmm.. actually i've been observing ppl rather den drinking tt's y i din drink. MMM.. wth am i tokin bout. okok. i've been hanging out quietly thou frenz are noisy n dey drink yet i drink juices. and i've been quiet cuz i've been observing. so i did observe lotsa tings. and i realize actually i'm juz being a floater and i reali is socialise to pass time. i never really put my heart into it. so actually i noe sometimes these ppl thou i meet often but i nv noe their convo which dey all seems to share which i dun mind. LOL. get it? so the only ppl i reali put my heart into are actually ppl i dun meet up often. -_-" and they are the ones mmm.. dunno hw to sae. LOL. n human are juz soooo fantastic. is like there are times wen dey are like dis in front of ppl juz five mins ago and five mins later wen u happen to catch dem alone dey seems to be another person. one very good example is carrie. dis scenario happen so many times it juz make me so tire of askin wat's happenin to her cuz she obviously dun sae. lucky she dun get to see this post anytime soon if nt i will get an interrogation again. i mean well.. i understand that i'm nw nt in any situation or position to question wat is happening to her that she's acting like tt. i dunno hw many ppl notice it. she's like trying to hide and cover up something that she doesnt want ppl to noe. like she's putting up a damn strong front. i mean alrite if u choose to do that. i'm fine with it. but dun lecture me wen u urself is acting like tt ma. wen i ask u a simple qns wat u doing dere. u dun wanna answer directly is ok. dun make it sound like i asked de wrong qns ma.

well nvm maybe i'm being oversensitive. but watever the case. those she chose to open up to please juz go tok to her seriously and really MAKE HER TOK. as for me i will juz continue be a floater ba. =) dun wanna care too much bout tings nwadays.

and i oso notice there's dis silly trend gg ard me recently. and that is, wherever i go i'm owayz the youngest. -_-" and everyone really treat me like a baby and is very afraid that i might juz break like a glass wen touched or watever too hard. =S as in I'M WELL PROTECTED! which is soo much that i'm nt used to it. okok.. enough of complaint. if its like tt den like tt.

OH YA recently i oso like to stay at hm to wait for my brother. HAHAHA. sounds wrong here. lol
cuz bored ma. well the 3 of us haf got dis habit of playin the board game the whole day if we are all damn free. hahaha. we will usually play till late nite till wilson wanna slp. if nt we will haf mj session. lol. but well.. wilsons' nt back frm shanghai yet. tony went to camp. NO ONE TO BICKER WITH ME!!!

let's see if i can abstain frm it till nx wk. HAHAHAHHA. (kinda doubt my abilities on that) LOL
*muhahaha* juz bored here. LOL gotta go off. wanna vomit again. =S

2008-06-11T00:54:00.002+08:00

it was Elynn's bday 55 secs ago. haha.

celebrated with her.

came home cuz totally not feeling well.

almost vomit out during dinner with them but i manage to keep it.

and bcame so damn dizzy all of a sudden lucky i was sitting down if not i would haf fainted.

reach hm reali vomit out & felt dizzy. which i dunno why. had a fever

tink is due to this few days keep rushing around.

heat & the cold weather? nt enuf slp. add on with my gastric problem & migraine

i got so fed up with myself juz now bcuz i find that i have a damn weak health. keep on getting sick. i mean imagine vomiting every few days and getting the dizzy spell so often. is practically wtf!

2008-06-10T12:06:00.002+08:00

been trying to rush out my assessment. and din slp well. and din even go out for drinks since sat!!! sun actually gg out. but den well.. nvm.. ended up at hm again to chiong out my assignment. so proud of myself. haha. i manage to stay away all the nites out and drinks until today now. LOL. tt's bcuz partly i gotta stay awake to do out my work lar. hahaha. if nt i will write rubbish in my report. LOL well tonight actually another session but i postpone it cuz it's elynn birthday. lol well frenz birthday tt's a ting over juz some drinking session. =D another reason is basically. i've been vomiting very badly wenever i have my gastrics. and its juz so unbearable. and it owayz hits me along wif migraine. wth. both tings at once. dis few days these 2 tings juz dun go away and is constantly there. i tink sooner or later i will be vomiting blood? LOL no idea ba. i tink partly is due to the stress that i'm having now? stress=rackin my brains over my assignment. even wen i'm now blogging i'm having migraines and oso gastrics attack on and off. -_-" seriously wonder wat the hell is wrong with me. i dun dare go for further checkup le. cuz everytime oso ask me go for the scope. so juz heck care lorr. can't imagine de results if i were to go. mayb there wun be anything wrong mayb something seriously is gg inside me? hah. anw who cares wen i dun even care myself. LOL. well i dun let my family members noe i'm having such bad gastric cuz i DUN WAN THAT DAMN NAGGING FRM MUMMY even thou she meant well(i doubt so). de only time tt was known is to Tony. he found me fainted in the kitchen. -_-" luckily parents nt ard. so he carried me to de room lorr. and i made him shut up bout it. hw did i faint i got no idea. only noe frm all the vomiting and oso veri bad migraine. i fainted. hahaha.. lucky tony is strong enuf. lol.. nv waste rice and potatoes that y he's so fit now. LOL hahaha i noe being the eldest i'm being childish here. hahaha but den i owayz make him piggy back me. HEHE. tt's the NICEST brother i ever had. LOL. in another word i owayz bully him HAHAHA. sorry ar. who ask u to call me jie jie. LOL. =P

2008-06-09T23:40:00.002+08:00

"雨下了/ 又停了/ 泪流了/ 又干了。

你走多久多远了我还在这。

你说的你忘了可是我还记得。

我的耳边再听不见我以为永远不会变最习惯的明天见。

放手了该回到原点心会受伤也能复原, 我会学着自己走出从前祝福明天。"

The above quote is just so true.

看见朋友对我的关心和疼爱终于觉得我也可以幸福的

曾经失去原有的爱情幸福，这段日子我学会了独立。

虽然有时后还是会孩子气，刁蛮又任性

但我学会了怎么去珍惜眼前的人和事物

珍惜，往往要失去了才会明白它的重要性

it's another lesson learnt.

2008-06-08T19:25:00.001+08:00

OH YA!! ytd nv eat for the whole day and keep vomiting i practically slim dwn. LOL hehehehe

2008-06-08T18:40:00.003+08:00

haha. wat a nice and quiet sunday morning. LOL. got a big interrogation frm carrie early morning. haha poor me.but i noe she care. LOL well.. on a happier note. some major planning is going on. if sucessful. HAHA. will be my dream come true. LOL. peepee fashion will be left in the care of my beloved dears. =D i noe dey will help me take care of it cuz its my baby. heee... right now dis 2 wks i gotta chiong finish my reports my ppt slides my menu my french my wine etc etc. in order for a distinction. hee. tt's my goal. distinction and NO LESSER den tat. =) well ytd reali vomit de whole day man. dis morning called xinle for a chat. and de moment she heard i touched vodka. she was laughing away sayin: no wonder u told me ur dying last nite. haha. yea.. she's one of those few who seen wat had happen wen i take vodka de last time which is y it makes her understand y i can juz die at hm after i touch vodka on fri. sounds exaggerating rite. haha but yea its true. i juz vomit de whole day. and even today i find tt i can still smell vodka on me. LOL =S hahahaha. well my lady..my dear carrie. dun worry ger.. i'm not in love with tt old man. if i am u will be the first one i confide in alrite?

hahaha well recently been looking thru lotsa places and organisation to haf water sport. and nw i am still deciding which sport to take up. hw i wish i can pick up everything all at once. the tot of being able to learn diving and to reali go into de open sea to dive makes me so excited.imagine wat i wil be seeing and touching.. OMG! it will juz be SO AMAzING ALRITE!! haha.. i'm sooo sooo afraid the fishes and corals will be ticklish can. hahahaha. dis coming sun i tink if nthing goes wrong. i'm gg for my kayaking. haha wanna clock my hours. well dad's being skeptical bout it. he's worried that i might meet with some accident again. haha. oh well.. the last time i went for kayaking. i practically capsize in the open sea wen a strong wave came. and i wasnt strong enuf to manovuer the kayak in a way tt wun make me capsize fast enuf. so in the end i kind of hit my head against dunno wat ting while capsizing. WHAHAH. everyone's so worried bcuz there's like no sign of me for a while. LOL tt's bcuz i am still tryin to get my bearings underwater...!!! hahahaha. that memory is juz so funny now. LOL.. and i swallow sooo much seawater i cough non-stop after that. LOL. dunno wat i will get into dis time. looks like i am sooo troublesome tt i owayz bring trouble wenever i go. LOL. the other time was at dad's factory while sooo many vehicles ard and i happily tryin to drive which is a stupid ting. bcuz even i am driving damn slowly i almost almost CRASH into ALL the vehicles park dere!!! omg. lucky my dad was bside me and pull the E-brake immediately. LOL. if i reali did crash into it more den 3vehicles would be hit. due to de way dey are park and the way i am going into dem. LOL. tt will be a GREAT LOSS to dad. whahaha thereafter i'm kinda scare of driving but den i dun mind trying again. LOL...no wonder i'm being crown "blur queen" HAHAHA

2008-06-08T03:48:00.000+08:00

hah.on a brighter note at least i am nt getting into trouble with the laws yet. LOL =D

2008-06-08T02:40:00.003+08:00

well well well. where shld i start.? mm.. ytd in my midst of drunkness i spill the bean somewhat to him. well true 2yrs i gotta get over it. but dearie.. i din finish tellin u de whole story so i guess u still din get it and i noe ur nt obligated to sae or help or do anything. i blabber too much nonsense. and i felt so embarrass by it. -_-" i had been a merlion de whole day today. felt dehydrated and hungry yet i cant eat anything or drink anything. bcuz i will juz vomit it out. seriously thou tt asshole had suffered a serious kick frm me. but still i am being taken advantage of. headache~~ today dey ask me out and i reali couldnt make it bcuz wenever i stand up i will juz feel so dizzy tt i wanna vomit again. so i rejected dem. felt bad bout it cuz dey keep calling and ended up i'm more like wat they sae of me hang up and sell. zzz. nvm. so suan le lo. i am seriously wondering hw will another guy accept a ger like me again? ever since tt kinda look i seen in those knowing ppl's eye, i cant forget it. its like to sae.. linda..ur such a loose ger.. its ur own fault that u got so drunk outside and such tings happen to you.serve u rite. like i sae i'm too trusting. i trusted frenz too much. i learnt my lesson frm it. but yet nw. i'm back to tt life again. i hate it. but its de only ting i can do to keep myself occupy. ~~socialising. i told xiaoxian sometimes too much socialising isnt good. well i guess such tings nv happen to her before therefore she still enjoy socialising. for me i socialise nw to pass time. i mean who or which ger would be so stupid if given a choice to entertain all those stupid guys smile and teases and everything.unless not to sae there are some gers who reali like socialising.. n obviously hangover isnt a good feeling. althou nw i onli get damn serious hangover wen i touch vodka. bcuz of such tings tt happen to me. i dun even dare to voice out nw if i were to like a guy. bcuz i will question myself wat right do i haf to like someone now. bcuz i feel tat de guy deserve someone even better den me. well anw i believe that if two person are fated to be tgther, even without sayin it out dey will both feel that intensity of love between dem. hah. i guess if its one sided den of cuz there's no hope lar. well alson u sae i dun let u view my blog. nw dis blog only u and i gt the permission to enter. feast ur eyes ba. haha. nx time will post some pretty babes foto for u to feast on as well. LOL.

blog will only be open up again once i clear up some stuff. =D

well my parents have been quarrelling alot recently. and dey are special parents. dey do cold wars. and my dad he's been so strict recently that i dun even wanna tok to him or ask him anything. it makes me dun wanna stay at hm wen dey are having cold war and wen i've got no choice like today i'm having hangover and dun wanna go out i juz stay in my room de whole day. got out of it juz for bath eating n toilet break. i juz dun wanna see dem. bcuz everytime i will be caught in de middle. i noe is stupid of me to do tt. but i tink if i were to sae anything else or appear more in front of dem i will juz flare up. by tt time poor parents dun blame me for my bad temper and behaviour bcuz i wil juz do anythin to make both of u wake up frm all dis quarrel.

shit. re-read this post i find tt i am becomin a problematic teen? haha. i used to have such loving parent and totally no quarrel at all. and i live very happily with no other bad association and influence frm de outside. but nw. hah. everything is different. juz look at me.. everything tat i have mention above. haf all gone rite. born with a silver/golden spoon i gotta learn all this and being de eldest i dun even noe who can i turn to wen i juz need a shoulder and a listening ear. my brothers thou dey are mature for their age but still dere are tings dey stil dun get it. my youngest brother. stupidly rebelling for dunno wat shit. go bang wall and wake up lar. i guess its a phase tt all guys went thru wen dey are growing up?sometimes all dis tings juz make me feel so tire. i cant depend on my parent for watever i wan like i used to anymore. tt's y even if i haf only a part time job i work hard for it. i'm too used to having the high life. i need to be hardworking and independent enuf to support myself. and it seems like for no reason. ever since after o level. i've been providin for the family even wen i dun haf a high income. nw half of de family income comes frm me. and i find it stupid.

2008-06-03T21:32:00.007+08:00

sometimes it's not the missing of someone that makes a person depress. after 1/2 a year.. a person ought to wake up and move on that i noe. for you i dunno how long u had needed/taken to get out of ur trouble and move on. for me. 1/2 a yr is not impossible but i'm trying hard. but of cuz he isnt de only problem that makes it hard for me to get on with life. sometimes certain tings have to be left unsaid and unfelt. but it is owayz such tings that brings a person down. when someone or something brings a person back high on hopes and later to pull it down hard. it juz ruin someones' life.. and there's definitely no way a person can climb out of that deep dark hollow pit immediately or even to get out at all.

and of cuz i can tell who can give me happiness and who can't now..but too bad. those who can gif happiness are all taken up either by someone or by their own troubles and thots. (hehe) so that means i gotta learn to go to the temple be a nun. =)

right now i can only tell and announce to the whole world that i am living aimlessly and no one needs to bother about me. unless that person can genuinely touched my heart. and i mean it. reali to genuinely put feelings back into my heart. if not is useless talking to me.

well anw try to understand me and you wun make a sense wat i am toking about now unless u haf been dwelling in my past. which is impossible. even if anyone were to dwell in it dey wun find anything bcuz wat was nt suppose to be reveal haf been well kept in my sub-conscious and stomach.

never mind. i'm juz blabbering in this post. wun be blogging for sometime and wun be online for sometime too. ladies & hunks.. miss me kaex? **winks**

2008-06-02T23:57:00.007+08:00

previous post was edited and edited and edited. but i juz cant seems to sae everything out all at once. my mind is in a mess. wen one person haf to swallow in all their tots and words never to let another living/breathing soul noe about it. everyting will juz go wrong. i seriously hate ppl who give false hope to others. ruining one person's life and after that to gif false hope and in the end to ruin the person harder again.

HOW THE HELL WILL I PICK MYSELF UP FRM WHERE I FALL DEN???

I WILL NEVER NEVER KNOW WHERE I HAF FALLEN DEN!!!

ya i'm all the bad and your all the good.

I'm not trustworthy. I'm a bad influence. I'm a rebel in your eyes. I'm never perfect to be your girl. I'm not demure enough to be a girlfriend. I'm not sensitive&caring enought to be the girl all guys dream to have as a girlfriend.

In SHORT I'm UNWANTED! I NOE!

To Alson: HW TO BE HAPPY IN THIS BLOODY WORLD WITH SUCH PPL??? anw enjoy ur stay dere where there's no disturbance frm ppl that you noe. =)

To Yilin: i can't even save myself le.. sorry dear i can't save you at any moment now. gotta depend on yourself at the moment.

To Tong: Ya your right. i better get out of this shit first before i do anything else. which is damn impossible bcuz i am back to old lifestyle.

To Carrie: Sooner or later sure pregnant. remember to attend my baby first month when the time comes.

and people please leave quietly when u are leaving me for good to be in your own world. for me, i dun like goodbye. i dun like send off. i dun like all the negative tings that had been connected to people leaving. so please. dun bombard me within one nite. -_-" i will die. bcuz i never noe hw to react in such situation. i cant grasp the reality that hits me after that. thou i will be damn sad. but so? too bad lorr. i noe someone is waiting for me to open my golden mouth to ask him stay. but i wun. i never will do that anymore.

THE FIRST TIME WILL BE MY LAST TIME TO ASK

PPL TO STAY!

i had promised myself that. no matter how unbearable it is for me, i will never OPEN MOUTH again. unless that person can make me do it again.

2008-06-02T10:31:00.006+08:00

yesterday i disturb carrie for almost de whole nite. cuz i can't slp. p.s ar carrie. LOL. i called her up to chat due to boredom. we chatted till ard 2plus wen de fone for no reason hang up on us. but even so i ended up oso surfing the net till wee hrs. b4 i fell asleep at 5am wake up at 6am. so slept for an hr. well.. my stupid brother gave us the wrong time to reach de airport. end up so damn early and i fell asleep there while waiting. even wen i slp images of him keep appearing in my mind. wth. dunno wat's wrong wif me.. i tink i am seriously affected by him... i myself oso bit stunned no not abit. is VERY stunned. zzz! -_-" bcuz of all ppl that i shld be missing and feeling for shouldnt be him.. yet i dunno y. it juz caught me so unexpectedly. it juz seems like its owayz there but i din notice it until now.. wth. *smack forehead* if he saw dis post. tink i will be tease to death...wtf! hate one sided. will die until veri jia lat. i tink i can juz go bang wall and die lorr.. seriously dunno wat my brain is containing recently. all sorts of rubbish? haha. muz haf been clogged up by all the alcohol that i consume. lol. well going to stock up my wine at home again. is all finished up. dead meat man.. i am taking it like plain water to drink nwadays. and nw i gg to add on vodka to my list. dun wanna get into trouble wen i go out with the vodka bunch. but of cuz there's a limitation to it.. after 1 bottle of vodka i am gg to run le. juz dun like and cant take it. i seriously feel that i will make sure i get so sick and tire of drinking one day that i will totally dun touch alcohol forever frm den on. but that day like still very long..

2008-06-02T01:07:00.002+08:00

tonite i dun dare to show. but i can't hide de fact. 4 individual person who are a part of my life came to tell me they are leaving tmr. flight details all not disclose. nt that i mind tt flight details are nt disclose. but y muz it all be on de same day? why? nvm.. hopefully they will haf a safe and sound trip till they are back. 心情好沉重。。今天的红酒。。也跟着我的心情一起变的好沉重。

2008-06-02T00:47:00.001+08:00

reali dead meat. dunno wat's wrong wif me lately i get affected damn easily with ppl's feeling. hai wo oso wanna cry for dem. wth.. but heng ting is i got no tears to shed anymore. whahahah

2008-06-01T20:51:00.006+08:00

tings are getting so boring. i'm practically back to my old lifestyle. and i'm getting old. wen i tok i sound like an old grandmother. -_-" well at the tot of being back to old lifestyle freaks me out. drinking like there's no tmr. ya is true i cut dwn on clubbing alot alot alot until i seldom go. but lately drinking seems to be alway on my to do list. i dun crave for alcohol. but juz cant stay away frm it. either i drink at hm till i fall on my bed and wake up juz cuz i heard ppl msn-ing me...which is veri stupid. cuz i wil get a BIG HEADACHE orr i will keep getting sms-es to go out chill. anddd out of boredom i will go. which is stupid. i noe. i keep saying is stupid yet i am still doing it. alrite something even more stupid last nite. tt alson thou i noe i dun haf to worry bout him yet for no reason i worried for him last nite. end up i told him i will go rest wen he reaches hm. and at the tot of it now. i find tt i AM JUZ SO OLD!!! tt's y i dun wan to tok to him today at all. -_-" stupid rite. old woman toking to one pathetic old man. zzz. stupid rite. well anw i din rest well oso. due to horrible gastric. i tink i started worrying for frenz nw is bcuz ppl/fren ard me are like gg soo off the track nw. i dun handle ppl's problem but den i sad for dem. tt's y my heart is getting older every min with every tot. i am dead tire yet i cant slp. i fell asleep on cars on trains but wen i reach hm i am wide awake.!!! freaking freaked out.

why am i so afraid of going back to old lifestyle.? actually there's a real reason. but i can't blog or sae bout it. only he(my ex) noes and i noe. and i am feeling damn terrible about it. i juz can't face the fact up till now. thou i tink there's about 2 yrs that had passed since it happen. i juz dunno how to go about facing it and to get over it. ever since then, it had been a barrier for me. one that i can't and most probably will never get over it. don't ask me what happen unless i wanna tok to you about it myself. don't force me to say because i will go into real avoidance. 那种感觉好辛苦...but i can't do anything about it. Le Sigh...

heh. i've got frenz who tinks i'm damn open to everything. i've got fren who find that i'm juz too random. i've got frenz who tinks i'm okay with everything. but den.. i tink. there's still certain limit to my openness which i dun show and speak about. whichhhh. haiz. why ar? dotz leh. well anw juz feel like blogging everything here today except that ting. soo tink dis will be a long and naggy post. mmm...tings are definitely getting out of hand. 2007 is a year where lovers break up. 2008 is a year where lifes get into BIG BIG MESS. well wat else can i tink about now? my studies they are definitely going well. job searching i am taking it damn relax mood nw. playin..i'm getting into the playing hard lifestyle while i can AGAIN! family? yes dey are impt but dun feel close now. only dun wanna see dem sad tt's all. frenz? all going emo. hai wo oso worry for no reason...-_-" the usual heck care attitude of mine!!! GONE! in one nite? zzz.

i'm oso dying le~~~omg.

*** yilin better prepare money kae.. i told you last nite wat i wan le. dun need too many maids i scare of dem. later u nt ard to help me settle dem i will scare de.LOL! international passport arh. remember that. is impt. bcuz i wanna roam de world. heee..the list will go on de. dun worry. Oh and dun worry that i din leave anything for you wen i leave the world ya. i will leave behind all the guys for your choosing de. LOL! slowly pick. they are all yours. HAHA

2008-06-01T02:15:00.003+08:00

fuck! my gastric is acting up and i'm like throwing up what i had for dinner again. i've got too many tings on my mind that i can't sleep. in like maybe 3hrs time i need to prepare to go for that pathetic hike.. later at nite den slp le. monday wilson gg to shanghai for 3wks and insist that i send him off at like 8am in de morning. wth. stupid brother. deprive me of my beauty slp. whahaha. but den nvm lar. he's my brother ma. he want den i go lo. =) right nw i am tryin to read this chinese novel. haha. to improve my chinese. is call: 收到你的信以经太迟了。。。damn touching i read until cry lar.. haiyo. althou there's lotsa words i suddenly dun recognize it anymore. LOL

2008-05-31T14:38:00.002+08:00

actually can sae dun wan go de but dey will end up question me alot but denn ehh.. i dunno wat excuse to gif.. if to sae i nt free dey will juz arrange another day.. if to sae i cant drink dey will juz kill me. but den i alr tell dem i dun LIKE/LOVE VODKA wat!!!

2008-05-31T14:07:00.002+08:00

sian ar..!! argH! wtf!. can u imagine others came hm to slp after clubbing i can stil come back surf net and reply emails?! wat's wrong wif me sia. i am totally so bored to death. last nite went clubbing. sat dere for like eternity with totally NO MOOD AT ALL! well even if we went over to de other side. carrie and me ended up self entertain. wtf! last nite i drank quite abit over my limit before i meet dem up. so went to vomit it out... zzz! -_-" but end up i keep coughing the whole nite. due to my sore throat. dun even noe wen it will get well. its troubling me alot. and zzz.. sian ar. i soooo scare for nx fri nite can. zzz ask me go drink vodka is like asking me to go die. SOME MORE ASK ME DRINK FOR 3 HRS STRAIGHT!!! wanna me die lar!! some more with that slimy lecturer can!!! Oh My Freaking GOD!!! i am veri troubled first time in my life to drink with tt idiot.. the images of vodka... can kill me. MY GOD!! juz save me please. frenz please pray for me.

2008-05-30T00:07:00.003+08:00

well.. 7 seconds past 12am carrie's bday is today! haha. juz call her on de dot to wish her happy bday and she's like wat lar! haha typical response. LOL looks like she enjoy herself. lol so let her ba.. =) wanna go dwn mos juz nw. but din. due to some freaking lecturer hai wo run home. LOL!!! well anw bad experiences so juz keep it to myself better. if nt later ppl tink i'm being extreme. haha. =D practically spoil my day. nvm dere's still a tmr and de day after tmr. hehe.

well.. carrie kinda mention my bday juz nw. yes i appreciate tt she came to pei me but ya i dun wanna remember it and i casually told her dun mention it anymore cuz it isnt any good memories dis yr. But i meant it seriously. i'm not gg to celebrate anymore of my bdays. and tt meaning i've got no more bday. tt day is nt of any significant to me anymore. i mean wat i sae. thou sounds stupid cuz hw can a person nt haf bday.but ya i mean it. even yes i haf a birth date. but NO BIRTHDAY CELEBRATIONS in future anymore.

2008-05-29T01:06:00.003+08:00

actually all my dreams and hopes have been dashed long ago. so watever i am doing now. i'm juz doing it. i live one day by one day itself. nv knowing wat will happen tmr. 原本的我不懂得吃醋但任识你后。。。全都变了。。。单纯的我也不懂得爱。。。但现在却了解了所有能爱的爱。。i hate that there's such memories that make it a past. hate de present for having to go thru it day by day. hate that there's a future pre-planned, which is my destiny yet unknown to me. what i hate most is my existence in this place where i dun belong at anywhere in any place and in anyone's heart. i've lost my sense of security. lost the trust.

2008-05-29T00:41:00.003+08:00

zzzzzzzzzzzz..wth... everywhere pain larr.. sore throat oso pain. gastric oso pain. zzz. medications are of no used to me. hah. every other 2 days need to practise my wine~~~ if nt failing le. how will my gastric get well. so jiu nvm lorr. haha. drunk le jiu wun pain. wth. nw worse still is my throat. doesnt seems to be gettin any better. hopefully by weekend i will be alrite.. if nt ar.. if i intend to play on fri jiu dieeee.. sun still need to go dunno where hiking at like 6am!!! sat still muz help fren do tings. zzz. looks like my life is getting so damn boring. last time i need to worry for another person at least gt tings for me to do. nw ar... totally is me and myself. wat's there to worry about.. nthing at alll... zzz! better go bang wall till die even better...mm.. nono. like wat claudia sae.. drink ermm wat's tt? mind block cannot remember wat she sae. but is definitely poisonous. so wil die faster and easier. no need so xin ku bang wall. my msn juz died on mee like few hrs ago. i totally cannot send any messages out. soo i'm being cut off frm one source of connection. nw left wif mmm.. my fone? hah! sooner or later oso gg to be cut off de lar. LOL
oh ya i forgot to add on huh.. i can't sLEEP!!! and it owayz happen on the day before my work!! monday nite oso like tt. end up i dunno wat time den slp. den tue work de whole day. now i cant slp again and tmr gotta work and study again. NO WONDER I WILL FALL ASLEEP DURING WORK!! damn stupid. okok.. i'm being very grouchy over here.. but bo bian ma. i'm reallii too bored le. and i dun wanna find tings to do. if not i will get on the wrong side of law. zzz! tt's me. either i'm guai or i'm juz bad. y cant i haf a balance? well bcuz i choose nt to haf... zzz!! is stupid of me i noe. but so? i've been doing stupid tings for like more den half a yr le. zzz... and i still cant wake up frm it. seriously i tink unless certain BIG tings happen to me den i will wake up. if not i will be in lala land forever. can u imagine tt in order not to get into de wrong side of law. i woke up in de morning. washup nv eat... den use my precious lappy till nite time haf dinner until noww past 12amm still using it. andddd tt's de onli ting i did for TODAY!!! i'm juz mad lar. wth.

2008-05-28T21:09:00.003+08:00

my throat reali hurts alot.. zzz! and i cant complain bcuz alson sae i gt bird nest to eat stil wanna complain. -_-" so i dun complain le lorr. BUT!!! it reali hurts ma... two tings i fear the most. tt is ppl tickling me and oso pain. I FEAR PAIN!!! dunno y oso. juz scare lo. haha

2008-05-28T11:39:00.002+08:00

so sian... last nite i reali felt soo tire and alone. tt's y i posted tt as my nick. and end up i got soo many ppl flooding my msn.. -_-" but wat for... no one reali understand the kind of loneliness i felt last nite. all i wan is someone who understand me. will that someone appear? i dunno and i dun tink so. hah. stupid thinkin rite.. lol so silly of me. LOL

2008-05-27T22:29:00.003+08:00

!!@#$%^&*()+_)(*&^%$#@! OMG CAN!!! i'm FREAKinG GOING CRazY WITH ALL THIS STUPID TINGS GOIN ON IN MY HEAD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! i tink i better go bang the wall to wake up man. wth. i NV NV KNOW TT I WILL FEEL IT DiS WAY BCUZ DE HELL IT HAD NV HAPPEN B4!!! it juz feel so right!! omg lar! WTF!!!

2008-05-26T17:39:00.003+08:00

i actaully slack my whole day away. so wasted. but i reali dunno wat to do. if to sae do homework. it's too easy for me le. i can finish it fast. my cross stitch? well.. my eyes are hurting so i put that aside for today.. reading a novel? i read finish all that i have. practise my red wine thingy.. i still cant get it rite. after tasting awhile i will find tt all taste de same.. LOL something muz be wrong wif my taste bud.. haha.. learning my french? even worse. whhahaha couldnt even open my mouth to try pronouncing wif laughter. LOL cuz it sound so weird to me.. wahaahaha. wen it comes to these 2 modules i will keep getting knocks on my head. LOL! like wat Ban sae.. drink all alcohol like drinking water. LOL! and i agree so spontaneously that both of us gt a hard knock on our coconuts by de lecturer. LOL

so de sian. lol... xinle got an idea for carrie bday. LOL so funny. but it will be misleading to kenny we guess. LOL

xinle: i gt de urge to tie one big bow ribbon on kenny head and present it to carrie for her bday.

me: haha. good idea ya.. haha but it will mislead kenny even more and carrie will be damn pissed off. LOL

xinle: ya lorr.. sian

me: but den u can still try. LOL without trying u wun noe. LOL

tt's our stupid convo. LOL

2008-05-26T14:41:00.001+08:00

ZZZ! xinle juz told me never see ah hao for one day will die.. wtf...-_-"

2008-05-26T12:27:00.002+08:00

changed it last nite. mmm.. quite satisfied with the design and layout. haha.. but frm now on.. i dun tink i've got much tings to post bout unless i gt something new huh.. LOL which is quite impossible. LOL memories are failing me. eyes are playing tricks. hearts and feeling are forever changing.

somethings are better to be left unsaid and unfelt. which is VERY true. sometimes wen u sae it out or keep feeling it. it will juz make tings worse. juz let tings be de way it is and let nature take its own course.. let the past be the past. let the present progress its own way. let the future be unknown. good memories can only be relived thru photos and pictures. (and i've got lotsa photos!) haha.

a guy who rejects clubbing and pubbing with me is not my type of guys bcuz i will juz get bored by tt behaviour sooner or later.. althou i dun club or pub as often as before anymore. but still...tt's part of my lifestyle. i noe i can be wild if i want. i noe i can be as quiet as a mouse if i want. the end verdict is how nice if i can find someone who shares the same interest as me.

i've got lotsa tings tt i wanna do and learn. too many tings tt i gotta plan it properly. let tings process one by one. haha.

2008-05-25T23:37:00.004+08:00

ok.. i feel like posting something lonnnnggg & draggy whahaha but i dun noe what to post. i tink i forgot to add in my tagboard. LOL!

whole day at hm sleeping. cuz ytd hangout de whole nite.

haha. it was quite boring bcuz well. de guys are basically veri not on the go. u ask dem dance u practically gotta pull them up. zzz!

had some fun wif elynn and carrie before that. haha. we practically become a typical tourist of singapore. we went to changi airport terminal 3 after that follow by singapore expo where there's de food fare.. hahahha.. and we went to de esplanade makansutra to have our SATAYS! haha we ordered stingray as well. LOL NICEEE! lol.. was damn full. so we sat dere to listen to de liveband coming frm DXO. which was NICEEE too.! haha my throat wasnt feeling well ytd and add on laugh too much eat too full.. that after i down de first glass of my drink i almost wanted to vomit.. which stunned me. haha bcuz tt had nv happen before. but after awhile.. jiu ok le. until to the end i ended up dunno y keep drinking until i juz feel like slping. LOL! Thanks alson to lend me your shoulder huh..haha thou i noe i'm quite heavy! LOL

and that carrie gal...make me go borrow de lighter for more den 3times. LOL

2008-05-25T23:24:00.000+08:00

well. done. juz change everything.

2008-05-25T17:55:00.002+08:00

i'm gonna change this whole ting the moment i am free and not lazy. is time to reali do it..

2008-05-20T23:44:00.003+08:00

i'm soooo damn hungry for fine food and MONEY!

been slacking alot lately.. renovating my room and now i gotta tidy up yet i'm so lazy. been cam-whoring alot recently wenever i meet up wif my girlfriends. come to tink of it. i find tt all my girlfriends are soooo da pretty. mmm... sometimes i feel way below par beside dem.. not tt i mind alot bout appearances and looks. juz that dis is a jugdmental world. and often looks are the one tt gave de first impression to other.maybe over dis 2 years.. i've met wif sooo much obstacles tt my confident level haf wat?! drop to zero((very exaggerating i noe but its true)). i'm oso shock wif tt realization. cuz i used to be sooooo confident tt sometimes ppl feel i'm complacent.rite nw.. i feel so inferior. i dunno y too..Le sigh...

2008-05-12T23:11:00.003+08:00

找不到坚强的理由。。。看到别人的幸福我不嫉妒只是地控制眼泪不让它流。。。随然过了那么久。。。但那颗心还是无时无刻痛的无法呼吸。。。活着的每一天。。。都不知道自己在坚强些什么。。。找不到继续勇敢活下去的理由。。。每天都好累。。。但根本没有人能真的理解。。。只能保持沉默。。。伸出手。。却无法触摸。。满天的星星。。。却让我只看的见那无边的天空。。。原来你已经真的离我好远。。。那海阔天空。。。到底那里是尽头？到了那里。。能再遇见那个你吗？

蕊馨真的想念你了。。。很努力的坚持下去。。。好希望能再次看见那个你。。。

2008-05-10T23:22:00.007+08:00

tings are like happening too fast for me to grasp a hold on it. few more days and i'm off work officially. suddenly i felt some bu se de.. afterall... i had some enjoyable time dere. pictures speaks a thousand word. and photos means alot to me... below are the memories that they have left me with... a phase of my life where dey have walk thru wif me..

.

more photos to be uploaded later this week... there are too much too much to picture and to say.. me feelings are in a mess.. big mess. let de pictures do the talkings.

2008-05-04T23:10:00.001+08:00

少了你的推动力让我真的很难继续下去。。。

2008-05-04T20:05:00.002+08:00

i'm afraid of going into a new r/s...

maybe is becuz it felt so weird when i have alr gotten used to you...

i can't imagine going through the same process but with another person...

it juz felt so weird...like he's just another you...

to others who juz noe me...they have the impressation that i am someone who's very emotional and weak... but only you know and understand that i'm stronger than i appear to be. you have taught me to be strong... you have never spoon feed me with answers, alwayz wanting me to figure it out myself while you gave me your silent help without me knowing... i'm juz so tire that i can't speak up directly anymore.

i cried the other day when my colleagues throw paper at me. not bcuz i'm emotional and i can't take it. i cried... real hard during lesson time and on the way to class. i cried bcuz i can't speak up even though i'm not at fault. i can only keep quiet even though i know i have been wrongly accused. i'm upset that i can't speak back like what i used to do when people wrongly accused me.

i'm angry and fed up with myself that why i cried so hard. people who dunno me well.. they tot i'm juz being emotional. but you and i noe i'm not. only you noe that i dun need all those comfort and advice. what i need was reali to speak out my frustration.

frenz who noe me long enuf, they questioned me: heyY i tot ur owayz so fierce and wouldnt allow anyone to climb over your head how come dis time you din retaliate back and give tt jerk his just dessert?

all i could answer dem was i can't. even if i never resign, if i speak up the other day, i would haf been sack immediately. things are not as simple as like u get into trouble in school, after punishment tings will be okay. no! if u get into trouble u gotta do soo much explaining and still gotta bear de acussation and gotta listen to hw others back-stabbed and gossip about you. is reali a cruel world.

2008-05-01T20:28:00.002+08:00

i've got a new pda fone~ htc touch. nt bad but i'm not used to the fone so kinda busy with it. and worse of all.. i forgot to save all my numbers now i lost it all.

tire recently. due to work and studies. de moment i reach hm bath i fell asleep within 5mins and dream all the way till 7am den go work again. 虽然知道是喜欢的。。。但还是不能说。。。

i dunno how long do i need to sort out my tots as to whether i wanna go back to work immediately wen i quit or do i juz wanna idle ard first... cuz i'm juz tire and scare. phobia of working for others.

2008-04-27T22:05:00.002+08:00

Personal

few more hours... less den 3hours. it's 28th april again. for the past 4 years i didn't quite remember the day until the day itself..and it's owayz him who remember it. rite now... i dunno if he still remember. but even if he remembers... i noe he's nt doing anything anymore..and i cant expect anything anymore... 但就是不知不觉有了一种悲伤感... i cant help but felt sad that this had happened. bcuz tmr is actually de day we had (used to) looked forward to. it's time to give up on him...a girlfriend without a girlfriend title...makes it sound like i'm an embarrassement to him tt's y he cannot gif me any title. like i'm into some third party r/s which is not a fact. what should i do? everything is in a mess again... haiz.

WORK.

what had happenend over last weekend have become a phobia for me to work for others. i'm afraid to work for others again. thou i understand tt not all the people are like tt. but as long as your in the office, and your a girl with more den average look? office politics will stick to u even if u dun open ur mouth. i often thot tt as long as i dun open my mouth at the unappropriate time, as long as i dun reliate back den i wun be involve as it takes 2 hand to clap. but last weekend i learnt tt is nt the case. even if ur as meek as a mouse, u speak at the appropriate time doing your own stuff help others wen dey need help, dere will still be people picking on you no matter how well i do my stuff or watsnot. its scary. its reali scary and had caused the phobia in me to work for others anymore.

2008-04-26T11:55:00.002+08:00

How True?

FEBRUARY
* Abstract thoughts
* Loves reality and abstract
* Intelligent and clever
* Changing personality
* Temperamental
* Quiet, shy and humble
* Low self esteem
* Honest and loyal
* Determined to reach goals
* Loves freedom
* Rebellious when restricted
* Loves aggressiveness
* Too sensitive and easily hurt
* Showing anger easily
* Dislike unnecessary things
* Loves making friends but rarely shows it
* Daring and stubborn
* Ambitious
* Realizing dreams and hopes
* Sharp
* Loves entertainment and leisure
* Romantic on the inside not outside

2008-04-26T02:50:00.002+08:00

such a fucked up day in the office. papers being thrown on my face..kena scolded till nt a penny's worth doing tings tt's nt in my job scope. common' ppl i'm juz gonna leave cant u juz give me a break? y muz u guys pick on me at this moment of time? is nt as if i will throw everything and juz let u guys do it for me... i have my own sense of responsibilites as long as u dun keep breathing down my neck... dun tell me i din work at all. i did but u din see..let u sae wat u wan i dun care. one ear in one ear out. i noe the way i presented myself to be so heck care u cant take it laying down tt's y u wanna sae i'm juz a vase in de office doing nothing onli using de fone.. please lorr.. if i reali wanna use de fone.. i wun let u see and i rather use the fone at home. is nt as if my parents cant afford my fone bill for a matter of fact. n if i wanna play den wat for i go work? money oso nt easy to earn. and tt isnt a good environment to play as well... nthing is fun. might as well i stay hm or chill out den go office if tt's de case. i'm seriously wondering do u even have a brain to tink. even if u were to be so stupid ur kidneys are definitely working better den mine to function rite so juz use ur kidney if u dun have a BRAIN. fancy a big guy throwing paper at me. is lucky tt i din wan trouble anymore. tt's y i did nt let my dad noe wat happen today in de office. if nt i guess tmr de management or YOU are gonna juz get screwed up. too bad who ask my dad to dote on me like hell. if he gets to know wat de hell u have said to me or done to me. well.. 90% ur gonna lose ur job. why? bcuz of verbal abuse , physical abuse & mental abuse. HUMPF! (juz being childish over here. haha) but seriously i cried the whole day today. i've nv expected it to be so bad and i've gt a veri strong feeling monday is gonna be even worse. but whose there to help? no one. i've lost my guts ever since hugo broke up with me. i lost all my egos and strength to even fight back for my dignity and pride.(tis the first time i felt so afraid, so helpless & unprotected & insecured & everything bad while working outside) tis de first time i dunno how to react to defend myself. tt's y i am so scare of monday. i trusted ppl too much. i get soft hearted too easily. i din regret giving up tt job but wat i got was disappointment. i tried my best at this job. i reali tried and wanted to make it last. but i got so disheartened by u guys so much tt i juz gif up. i cant believe such physical abuse is happening to me threaten as well. nw it reali makes me so afraid to go work nx week.

我好害怕。。。我从来也没有那么怕在外面遇到困难。。。我怕到连星期一要去上班的勇气也没有。。。怎么办？

2008-04-24T22:18:00.002+08:00

actually i prefer getting into pan pac den fullerton hotel. sian stupid job every day gg to get scolded over the certificates. if lau pan ask me to stay another 1 or 2 more weeks i'm nt gg to anymore. wth.

2008-04-22T16:08:00.002+08:00

getting married early is so ermmmm.. haha.. having a baby oso sounds ermmm.. haha..dunno lar.. mayb recently so many ppl ard me are getting married having babiesss.. my pocket gg dry and empty as well.. hahaha... but is okay lar... their day ma.. haha but dennn gettin married at my age? well well.. it wil be a bigg challenge... for de parents(my fren). -_-" having baby boii even worse... damn cheeky... alamak..but adorable. =D baby ger? vain lorr.. expensive to yang. hahhaha

2008-04-22T14:02:00.003+08:00

mmm... i've been told my post are sad for quite long.. haha so guess now i will blog something tt is happy? haha actually i oso dunno wat to blog about... cuz i din go out to enjoy everyday.. juz basically doin de same ting everyday lo.. soo wat's there to be happi about? glad to noe my fren are all doing and living well.. =) tt's de onli ting i'm happi.. hahaha.. well.. recently i've got to noe one bunch of people... haha yea.. and it means drinking every fri nite lo.. hahaha bcuz dey DRINK... lol de drinks range frm red wine to vodka to martell and chivas to cocktails to mocktails and i dunno wat. hahaha.. is tt something i shld be happi about? ppl to pei me drink? haha i guess so.. since i got nthing better else to do other den i like drinking. haha and recently have been into red wine.. due to my dear lecturer who is an expert in tt field. -_-"

2008-04-21T23:21:00.002+08:00

waste my time.. spend de whole day at the hospital before gg for my classes.. so is call ultrasound scan. damn stupid. end up i've got to live wif de pain why bcuz de ovaries are not of correct size on the right side. no wonder i owayz got the bloody cramp wenever i haf my period. -_-" and dis bloody problem can or might be rectify only until i have given birth!! which is like sooooo LONG! unless i go get pregnant now. haha.. damn bloody ultrasound scan. so xin ku can.. wth.. can onli scan when ur bladder is fulll... and wen de bladder is full is damn uncomfortable rite.. nvm to tt.. dey actually pressed this tingy(supposedly can scan ur inside out..haha)) hard against ur stomach wahlau eh... damn pain lar.. zZZzZZ...ok lar. not pain but jiu damn uncomfortable lorr. heng the pain wasnt so serious wen i went for de scan today.. if its few days back i would haf been hospitalised lar.. aiyo.. the hospital like my home like tt.. -_-" so before i left.. my dear doctor gave me 2 solutions to my problem... one like i mention above to get pregnant second is to take painkiller wenever i've got the pain. stupid solution rite. haha but dey got no other alternatives liao.. haizzz.. tmr oso on mc..actually my mc whole week nia. haha cuz the doc wan me to rest first. but sadly i gotta get my butt in de office soon if not i dunno wat kinda music i will face. and i sure noe i dun like it. better get over dis few weeks and get on wif life man. thou i feel i have been gg toooo fast. the fatigue is killing me like wat xinle haf OWAYZ predicted for me. haha... well.. gotta get back to my homework again.. phew! juz reach hm ard 11 wash up and started doin my homework until now blog for 5mins back to homework... and later WORK. wth.

2008-04-21T09:38:00.002+08:00

i reali reali wish. tings are not like now. i m getting tire of doing so much yet all i got is misunderstandings. ppl frm work most probably tot i'm shirking resposibilities since i haf resigned therefore dey tot i took leave to play and rest and took mc for longer rest. all dis are rubbish!! I've been studying and studying and slogging my nites out juz to rush out the info u need for ur damn project. and add on to my own homework and research i din get to even slp for more den 4 hrs!! and for that precious moment wen i get to slp i keep on dreaming and DREAMING!!! i wonder wat the hell is wrong wif me??? and now i've seriously fallen ill,tongues are wagging.. bad mouthing wats' not. wth. nvm.. even thou i gave a false illness sayin i am having fever.. actually i'm not.. i'm juz having something MORE serious. GET IT U PPL? i am gg for tt damn dunno wat scan for my abdomen today cuz it keeps hurting for like dunno how long le.. i did nt sae tt damn reason bcuz i guess no one will believe anyway.. and there isnt a need for me to tell u. if not dere will be ppl who feels i am acting. how come i feel tt i am back in some company of young gers and boys who are so ignorant like "i dun wanna fren u" watever shit. hopefully wen 1 day i reali die all dis shit will den dawn on u guys tt i am reali ill. fucker. damn it! u guys tink i like falling ill is it.. tinks tt i like being weak and owayz gg on damn mc. tt's de problem wen working full time. tt's y i nv like to work for others. i nv like to work under such environment. wth! KNN! it juz hurt my eye wenever i see u guys at work! tt's why i sae i prefer working over at AIA bcuz i dun haf to endure such environment in my department bcuz there isnt. the ppl over dere they treat colleagues sincerely with their heart! nv once doubting or guessing or bad mouthing! the ting i hate the most about ppl is BAD MOUTHING wen someone is reali sick and not faking!!! bloody hell!!! or even if someone is not sick u guys shouldnt even BAD MOUTH! and wanna back stab or bad mouthing dun let the person ur bad mouthing noe or overheard it lar.! so unprofessional!! still calling yourself the elites on board vessels!!! fuckers nia! DAMN iT!

2008-04-19T21:54:00.003+08:00

最近有太多太多的事一连串的发生。。。好希望这一个多月可以快点过。。。不知道要走哪个方向。。。不知道能做些什么。。。我总是走在你的后面。。。而你也从来不会回头看或停下脚步等我。。。难到真的要我离开了你才会看得到我吗? 对莫些人莫些事。。。想了真的很想在大哭一次好让心里好受一点。。。但那泪水怎样也流不出来了。。。不想和任何人见面。。。只想躲在自己的被窝里睡觉。。。但即使是睡觉也睡不好。。。因为总是做恶梦。。。恶梦的原因是因为我以经失去了安全感。。。找不回来了。。。我好像以经慢慢的放气自己。。。做了那么多的努力却得不到想要的安全感。。。失去了给予的信任就真的找不回来吗？幸福好像永远不会久留在我这里。。。看到周围的朋友都那么的开心。。。我也好想回到读书的时后。。。好想在开心一次。。。好想在过一次无优无虑的生活。。。

2008-04-16T12:29:00.002+08:00

How i wish tings could turn back to half a yr ago... when i was still studying.. going to sch to "chat" for 3hrs and after tt head down to town to hang out till the evening before going over to slack at his house... pillow fight with him and everything... only wen i haf left den you see me.. b4 i left you... i am owayz behind you and u dun turn back at all.. wo de xin lao le... bu zhi dao wei shen me hui xin tong... i told myself its been so long.. no matter hw painful it is... i cannot cry.. i depended on him too much.. he doesnt realize it... even up till now... wenever i panic and met some problem outside and its urgent... the only handphone no. tt i remember to call for help is his no.

At NYKSM i met some great frens.. however tings are different... we kept tings to ourselves unlike wen we first met... now.. tings are different.. leaving in 1 month time.. felt guilty to leave elynn to settle everything again...

2008-04-12T23:32:00.002+08:00

i wasted one whole saturday. one whole saturday.. lazing at home... but i dun haf the intention to do anything onli to sleep...

对不起当初不应该把你推走。。。不应该因为自己觉得自己不够好所以把你推走。。。

2008-04-10T23:23:00.002+08:00

我们曾经有拥有的默气不知从何时消失...原本属于我的东西在一夜之间都消失了...你对于我还是很多要求...但这是因为你还放不下还是因为你以经习惯了? 你明知不管是朋友或是情人...需要我在的时后或如果我做得到我一定会陪你到底...但你是真的珍惜我能为你而付出的全部吗?

we once agreed that this blog is shared. will be shared. tots will be pen down. but i guess u haf never never remember it before. so up till now. i'm de onli one blogging out my life. u dun even noe de password to sign in.
after being exhausted frm work de whole day.. all i ask for was a nice dinner. a star gazing silent nite. 你的浪漫我的天真...早以经不见了...

*_馨_*

2008-04-08T22:26:00.003+08:00

veri veri bored. was reading thru every single post that i have ever posted. and i've got onli one thinking and that is: stupid. 've led such a wasteful life even until now, i'm still wasting my life away. wat for stay at a job wen i dun like it. wat for help others juz so i felt kinda guilty. i realize if i haf to make a choice between studies and work. i will HAPPILY choose STUDIES.

tinking back, i've actually gone thru quite alot in dis last r/s. thou i onli blog like 2% bout it. haha the rest are all in my heart. wenever ppl tell me dey haf gone thru alot and i'm still young so i still gt lots to go thru... i owayz haf one feeling wif me. and tt is thou i'm young but my heart is old. gone thru too much tt i dun wish to even mention it and tell others tt i have gone thru alot too...

dere are so many decision to make. so much choices. hw i wish tings are as simple as it use to be.

was loved by someone and to love someone back. worried only about exams and results.

and not money and time.

after workin for nearing half a year, i realize hw tough it is for my dad to be de sole bread winner. that's de tot tt kept me frm quitting up to dis point as well.

以前的我累了就睡。。。现在的我累了想睡却不能好好的睡。。i dunno why..but everytime even if i fell asleep i will still be dreaming of tings i worry in de daytime. which makes my heart feel heavier each day.

**_蕊馨_**

2008-04-08T00:29:00.002+08:00

whenever i started missing you. whenever i need some comfort... i would open up my heart.. let those sweet memories of the past of the time spent together to warm my heart. 记得你对我的好总比记得你曾经对我做出的伤害来的好。。。想念你的时后。。就拿起手机傻傻的想着当初用这抬手机所拍过的美好时光。。。不需要真的看到照片也能带给我微笑。。。因为我们的影子早以深深的刻在我心里。。。bcuz i've experience true love that's why i'm experiencing such pain. 有爱就会有痛。。。学会了如何去爱就也要学会接受那样的痛。。。只有痛过才会真正学会珍惜所爱的人。。

hAPpY!!

2008-04-06T11:50:00.002+08:00

i muz be damn supid. i got myself enrol in de advance diploma course for 1.5yrs!!! and i've got lesson on mon wed and fri every week.and i'm starting class like dis coming monday.. ZZzzz... =S cannot play cannot work. only study study study. haha but den is onli for 3 hrs each time frm 7-10pm so i guess its still alrite. =D well i'm happi tt i can go back to books. lol. cuz i prefer tt den working thou i wan MONEY. hahaha

and i've got yoga class on every sun. =) happi nia. lol
oh ya.. wth.. i misplaced my O level cert and my testimonial. up till now i dun remember where i've placed it. -_-" and i've been searching since ytd.

results are out ytd. and finally i can stop my medication.. yeah!!! hahaha which means i can start to slim down lo.. LOL happi leh. lol reali not used to being fat and bloated. so probably in 2 weeks time i can be back to normal. hahaha. too bad its not an immediate tingy.

last fri went over to a colleague hse at regent height. was impress with de furnishing price and love the mirror.. whahaha well he's such a good host tt elynn me and carrie was so bloated by the time we left. lol. and he practically brings out all dis collection of alcohol for us to taste. whahaha. thou we ended up tasting onli 1 tt's call Alize. which i wil never touch again. -_-" bcuz is one kind of vodka. wth. hahahaha thou is onli 21% alcoholic but i stil dun like vodka after tt one time experience with Absolute Vodka Lime. -_-''

and i've been searching high and low for victoria's secret ultra moisturising hand cream (Love Spell) the purple colour series. LOL and i still din manage to find it. so anyone who saw it please drop me a message will you? thanks=D